Random Things, and Random Popcorn
by Criminal No.5 and Lola VanGogh
Summary: What happens when Harry Potter characters and Tamora Pierce characters get snowed into a large school auditorium? By the crazy and deranged minds of 2 individuals who are under cover with the names of Criminal #5 and Lola Cabana, shows appearnces from LOT
1. 18 Tons of NonDairy Butter

Criminal #5- Helwo all, just so ya' know, we do not own any- Lola Cabana- Any of the characters from LOTR, Tamora Peirce, Harry Potter, or even our selves. *runs of screaming* YA' CAN'T SUE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Note- Even though Shae wishes she owned Legolas. But in the story she does! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- *cough* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Joren magically falls from the sky, and survives.  
  
Harry- Hey Draco really can fly, why didn't he ever do that in a quiddich match?  
  
Joren- Draco? Who's Draco? I'm Joren of Stone Mountain-  
  
Criminal #5- Die random idiot scum!!!!!  
  
Draco bursts into the auditorium with a magic marker scar on his face, oh yeah and drawn glasses too. He is also holding a can of black hair spray.  
  
Draco- I'm Harry Potter!!  
  
Harry P. - No I'm Harry Potter!  
  
Draco- Really I am Harry Potter!!!  
  
Harry Potter- Draco you are NOT Harry Potter, I AM!  
  
Draco- Where's your scar and glasses? Hmmmmm?  
  
George- Will the REAL Harry Potter please stand up!? Everyone in auditorium stands up.  
  
Harry- Look Draco, just because I got my scar surgically removed and I got laser eye surgery, doesn't mean I don't deserve fan girls!  
  
Alanna climbs up on the stage, and pushes George off.  
  
Alanna- Well, I'm Arial! LAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAaAAAaaa!!!!  
  
George- *shouting* IT'S A BANSHEE!!!!!!!  
  
Daine- Hey even banshees don't sound THAT bad!  
  
Hermione- Okay then it's a Bogart.  
  
Draco- No it's a Bogart and a banshee being run over by a truck!  
  
Criminal #5- Carrying 18 tons of non-dairy butter!!!  
  
Lola- POWER TO THE LAMAS!! *she claps and eats random popcorn*  
  
Daine- Yeah, llamas don't get any respect, why I met a llama that....  
  
Alanna stops singing and every one cheers, Lola continues to eat random popcorn till' it is snatched away by Jonathan.  
  
Lola- Just because you're a prince doesn't mean you can take MY popcorn! Laws are being destroyed- THE WORLD IS CORUPTED!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Just then Legolas bursts in, bow ready and shoots down the popcorn. He stands in macho pose, grins, and flashes the victory sign.  
  
Shae- LEGGY!!! *She tackles him.*  
  
Jonathan and Lola start to cry at the loss of popcorn; Lola lunges into Jon's arms sobbing.  
  
Lola- *crying, still* It, *sniffles* was like a brother to me, *sniffles* and an afternoon snack! IT'S NOT FAIR!!! *she sniffles and cries some more*  
  
Ron suddenly sits up in a daze after the curse Hermione ha "accidentally" put on him.  
  
Ron- Where am I? Who am I?  
  
Draco pouts as the fan girls move to a tackled Legolas and are being beaten off by and armed Shae. She equipped herself with mustard and a giant hammer, that's NOT plastic.  
  
Alanna sits in a corner on a swivel chair, spinning around in circles.  
  
Alanna- WHEEE! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! - Huh?  
  
Kel- I wanna' try! I wanna try!  
  
Alanna- No!  
  
Kel- Share?  
  
Alanna- Okies!  
  
Kel and Alanna both sit on the swivel chair, spinning around madly, constantly falling off and getting back on. After they fell down the stairs, they both were in a daze. They and Ron band together and try to dig their way out with sporks. Joren wanders over to Kel.  
  
Kel- AHHHHHHH! JOREN!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *She starts stabbing him with some sporks.*  
  
Joren falls down, unconscious.  
  
Criminal #5 Fakie- Yo! Random INPUT! YO! Criminal #5- Stop taking over MY lines! Criminal #5 Fakie- No! I WON'T SHARE WITH YOU!!!!!!! Criminal #5- Never asked you to!  
  
Both of the Criminal #5s get into a fight, in which the original walks away the victor.  
  
Lola gets over the Random Popcorn thing, and runs up to Draco.  
  
Lola- HAHAHAHA!!! You have magic marker on your face!!!!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!  
  
Criminal #5 holds up a few packs of the extra large pax of pixie stix.  
  
Criminal #5- Sugar always does the trick!!!!!!!  
  
Legolas- *thinking to im' self* Help me, must...sneak..away...before...she...finds...me! AHHH!  
  
Shae- First I'm gonna' tie you to a chair!  
  
Legolas- NOOOOO!  
  
Shae- *grins evilly* The swivel chair!  
  
Legolas- *gasps* You wouldn't! NOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOooooOOOooooOOOOooOOOOo!!!!!  
  
Alanna, Ron, and Kel have banned together to dig a tunnel in the snow to the nearest Starbucks using plastic sporks (unused). Joren is still really dazed, and confused.  
  
Joren- *asking himself* Am I Draco, or Joren? Kel? Am I Draco or-  
  
Kel- AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! YOU'RE BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!!!!!! DIE ZOMBIE SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *starts stabbing him again.*  
  
Lola- STORY! Once upon an hourglass there was a girl named Bowlingball because she had a really big bowling ball on her head and lived in lockers where she died smelling like moldy gym socks.  
  
George- Wow that was sooooo amazing. *Picks up Lola and squeezes her.*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Lola- Any ideas are accepted, because we can form them into a story anyways!  
  
Criminal #5- On the next show of Random things and Random popcorn-  
  
Alanna- NOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Kel- Me want.. Coffee.  
  
Ron- *sniffles*  
  
Criminal #5-Sorry all! Can't tell ya' more! *giggles evilly* 


	2. No, Bo You may not have her for yourself...

Random things and Random Popcorn  
  
Chapter 2 The Episode of the Teachers Lounge.  
  
A/n- P.s. we knew Joren was dead, that's why he fell out of the sky.  
  
__________________________________________________________________*  
  
Kel: Is he alive?  
  
Neal: Ah, Yeah.  
  
Harry: Let's kick him!  
  
Almost Everyone: Yeah!  
  
Neville: Ah guys, maybe we shouldn't kick him.  
  
Joren: Listen to him! Please! Ow! Stop!  
  
Harry: Shut up Draco we're trying to kick you.  
  
Joren: IM NOT DRACO!  
  
Lola ( in a bored voice): Yea you guys stop.  
  
Jonathan: Is she alright?  
  
George: She's probably just off her sugar high, like Alanna.  
  
Kel also starts to calm down.  
  
Criminal #5: Hey guys!  
  
Lola: What!? Don't bother me right now.  
  
Criminal #5: We can go to the teachers lounge.  
  
Jonathan: Is there sugar?  
  
Criminal #5 (In mystical voice): It is said that teachers lounge is where sugar spills on the ground like the sands of Egypt. It is also said that it is there that sugar was made. Anyway. Lets go.  
  
Lola (growling): Must.Have.Sugar.Or.Die!  
  
Narrator: So the gang set off in search for the legendary teacher's lounge. Where it is said sugar originated. And Joren? They dragged him along to well kick him. Also the Disclaimer never said the Disclaim, So Criminal #5 and Lola do not own any Tamora Pierce Characters, LOTR characters, or any Harry Potter Characters, or even them self's for that matter. Shae for the time being owns Legolas, even though he doesn't belong to her, but-  
  
Lola: DIE YOU KNAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lola tackles the Narrator/Disclaimer and continues to attack him after tackling him to the ground. The Narrator/Disclaimer screams and is left twitching on the floor. Lola gets up and brushes off the dust from her clothes and returns to 'the gang'.  
  
Lola: That takes care of THAT Narrator/Disclaimer. TO THE SUGAR!!!  
  
Ron (Who has recovered from daze): Hey don't we need a new Narrator/Disclaimer?  
  
Hermione: Pick me! Pick me! I know the answer! Pick Me!  
  
Ron: Why would I do that? You 'accidentally' put me into a daze!  
  
Hermione: No I didn't.  
  
Ron: Yes you did. Didn't you read the last chapter?  
  
Jonathan: I want to be the Narrator/Disclaimer!!  
  
Alanna: No I want to be the new Narrater/Disclamier!! Can I? Can I? PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE?  
  
Jonathan (Sulking): Fine.  
  
Alanna/Narrator/Disclaimer: Yes! Victory is mine! Anyway. And so they went off to. Um were are we going again?  
  
Everyone(Slightly annoyed): THE TEACHERS LOUNGE!  
  
Alanna: Yea the Teachers Lounge! And off they went to the Teachers Lounge! When we, I mean 'they' got there 'they' found a golden door, glowing slightly, labeled 'The Teacher's Lounge'  
  
Lola: WOW. It's like a dream come true! They might even have Random popcorn! Because of two somebody's *Glares at a tied up Legolas who is still tied to the swivel chair which is purple (The chair not Legolas) And hits Jonathan on the head with a frying pan. That is greasy.*  
  
Alanna: Must. Replenish. Sugar. High. *Opens Door*  
  
Everyone (awed): WOW!  
  
Merry and Pipin: Food! Mushrooms!  
  
Harry: Crabbe and Goyle, I was wondering when you guys would magically appear, in front of the Teachers Lounge, when authors felt that you should magically appear in front of the teachers lounge.  
  
Ron (Out of his daze): Um Harry, they're kinda short to be Crabbe and Goyle.  
  
Pippin: I resent being called short. I am a Hobbit and actually an average size for one of the Shire.  
  
Almost Everyone: Huh?  
  
Ron: Um, Hermione?  
  
Hermione *sigh* (rolls eyes): Haven't any of you ever read The Lord of The Rings???  
  
Everyone besides Hermione, Shae, and the lint in the closet: Uh. What? No.  
  
Shae: Right on Herm! LORD OF THE RINGS ROCKS!  
  
Legolas (spitting out gag): Merry! Pippin! SAVE ME!  
  
Alanna/Narrator: Everyone *munch* else was already in the teachers lounge *munch* *munch* consuming candy! Munch Yumm! And didn't really care that Legolas was not. Cuz he was tied up, and if he tried to get away he couldn't Cuz were still all snowed in. And he would probably die on the way down the stairs Cuz he's still in the swivel chair (*spins in new swivel chair claimed by her in the teachers lounge*)  
  
Alanna (again, but not narrator): I LOVE CANDY! (swivel swivel swivel)  
  
Lola: And random popcorn!! (Is shoving both candy and random popcorn into her mouth at amazing speed.)  
  
Draco (The real one even though he thinks he's Harry and Harry thinks that Joren is Draco.): I don't want to be Harry Potter anymore! (Draco starts to cry.)  
  
Crminal #5 (While poking Draco.): What's wrong? *poke poke* Identity Crisis?  
  
Draco: *sniffle sniffle* No. sniffle sniffle I CANT GET THIS MARKER OFF MY FACE!!  
  
Harry (with smug grin on his face. Turns to fan-girls* who appear when I want them like everyone else): See? I really AM Harry Potter!  
  
Joren (Still recovering from kick wounds/ Kel wounds): So that would make me Joren right? Because that's who I really am, really!!!  
  
Alanna (wistfully): Does that really make me Ariel?  
  
Draco (dracfully): If that makes you start singing again that would be a definite no.  
  
Alanna (starting to twitch and stutter) W-What's wrong with my singing!? George loves my singing right George?  
  
George (cowering): Sure honey.. Um do you need some coffee? (holds out coffee with quivering hands)  
  
Alanna: SHUT UP!!! (knocks down coffee.)  
  
Lola: NoOOOOOOOOOOOOooo (nose dives for coffee)  
  
Alanna (points sock at Draco): Now you. (looks down at sock) One second. (pulls out sword) Yes, now you. I wave this sword in your general direction! (Waves sword in Draco's general direction) And now I will KILL YOU!!! (lunges at Draco)  
  
Thayet: NOT MY BABY'S FATHER!!!! (lunges at Alanna)  
  
Alanna/Narrator: I was then lunged at people. And my brilliant sword flung in the air magically cutting Legolas' binds without cutting one hair off his blonde head of silkiness. It should have! I sharpen it enough!. But no one noticed Legolas steal off. (waves hands magically, a close cousin once removed to spirit fingers and then toddles back to the story)  
  
Jonathan: THAYET! HOW COULD YOU!! (sobs in corner)  
  
Thayet: Well with that Lola person hitting you with a frying pan.  
  
Jonathan (glares evilly at Lola who is cuddling the found coffee pot and chatting to the saved cup of coffee): I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!! (Glimpses coffee pot and grins maniacally) Hehehehe. (Snatches coffee pot and looks as if he might spill the coffee) I'll do it!! I'll do it!  
  
Lola: No, No! ANYTHING BUT THAT! DON'T SPILL THE COFFEE!!  
  
Alanna/ Narrator: And now instead of finding out if the coffee gets dropped or not where're just going to skip on to the lass of legs Legolas! Who's made entirely out of Legos!  
  
Legolas: No I'm not, you your self said my hair was made of silkiness!  
  
Alanna: No I said it was made of plastic as well as other things.  
  
Aren't you supposed to be hiding from Shae? That's what the narrator script says. (glances at pieces of paper that appear out of nowhere.)  
  
Legolas: Shae. (shudders) Where should I hide O' Eleemosynary (A/n- this IS a real word) Pointy object wielding- pancake flipping- goddess of something of somewhere?  
  
Alanna: That's a bit blasphemes. But oh well! (gets struck by something painful and large by The Goddess) Under that rock! ( points to giant boulder sitting in the middle of the auditorium)  
  
Narrator Alanna: Wow its like I'm a skitzo, I'm Alanna AND Alanna Narrator AND Narator Alanna! And no offense to the real skitzos out there, I mean they have enough problems. Imagine.. Having three stomachs! I could consume two times the amount of coffee I usually do! I mean.. Narrating, narrating, narrating. Oh 'the rock' is papermache, No not to be confused with that wrestling dude, Papermache, I mean The Rock. who takes papermache making lessons and likes making little farm animals out of this made papermache and painting them blue. But this rock was a boulder and paper at the same time. And was used in the ever famous play that I did not star in 'Plymouth Rock strikes back: The musical'. I helped with lights maybe you saw me, maybe not.. But this is where the lass of legos hid, I mean who would look for him under a boulder, that was inhabited with earthworms. Under it, the earthworms where and the legs of a lass hid.. (black out) HEY WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS!!!?  
  
Legolas (chatting to earthworms): And then she tied me up and got mustard on me! Yes in my HAIR! No Joe it's okay. (Pats third earthworm to the right on the middle for earthworms really don't have heads do they?)  
  
Legolas (again): TAD! I couldn't shoot her in the neck with ten arrows! She really is nice in a creepy, stalker sort of way! Boe, you just want her for yourself don't you?! Well you can't 'cuz I'm gonna have to hide out here forever and until I eat each and every one of you and then have to resort to eating the rock, made by the Rock, which is made of papermache. What is it Sony? Someone's coming?!  
  
O' Eleemosynary-Pointy object wielding- pancake flipping- goddess of something of somewhere-Narrator Alanna: And now time travel to ten minutes before, before Shae even relizes Legs of Jello is gone Ooooooooooooh.  
  
InvisA Narrator: Suddenly all attempts to hurt the coffee and Thayet's love child with Draco were forgotten, and everyone was sitting in a circle drinking Chinese tea. Excepting the coffee addicts Alanna and Lola, Kel being just a pure sugar addict kept on adding sugar to her Chinese tea so much the sugar was overflowing the cup.  
  
Criminal #5: Um Kel your not supposed to put sugar in Chinese tea . Your not even supposed to put that much in regular tea.  
  
Kel (growls, and dumps the rest of the pure sugar into her cup and eats her. tea with a spoon.): I sure hope this isn't salt!  
  
Criminal #5(Snickers): ... *snicker snicker*  
  
Kel (spits out sugar): It IS SALT!!!  
  
Shae: LEGOLAS IS GONE!!!!!  
  
Collective gasp from everyone.  
  
Lola (smacks head): Shoot. Now she's gonna ask us to look for 'im (Almost on cue, but seeing as Shae has a one track mind of : LEGGY, she wasn't. on cue.)  
  
Shae: Hey guys, can you help me look for Leggy?  
  
Crimanal: Look under a boulder.  
  
Shae: OKAY!  
  
Alanna/Narrator/Narrating: Shae runs off to find a boulder, not even thinking of the REAL papermache boulder..  
  
Crminal: Hey guys I think we should hide!  
  
Lola- Sure why not?  
  
(Everyone hides, even Alanna/Narrator Lola runs off with George and Alanna/ Narrator to the backroom that's filled with food. Criminal runs to a closet. And the rest of them run to hide under something or behind something.)  
  
Lola- George? Can you turn on a light?  
  
George- Sure.  
  
Lola- Oh my! Look at all this SUGAR!  
  
Alanna- Coffee? Hmmm? hmm?  
  
Lola- I thought they didn't have coffee in Tortall  
  
Alanna- They don't  
  
Lola- How sad. What do you drink then?  
  
Alanna- Ale, tea, lemonade.. Mostly ale though.  
  
Lola- Ale sounds good.  
  
Alanna (shrugs)- Its alright. Kinda like beer 'cept stronger.  
  
Lola (Who wasn't listening to a word Alanna just said): I like Coffee! Lets make some!!!  
  
Alanna- YEAH!!  
  
Lola- Um where's the coffee machine?  
  
Alanna- I think Jonathan hid it before all of us made are peace. (pauses) NO COFFEE MACHINE!! ! The world is at an end! WHERE ALL GOING TO DIE! (Alanna drops to knees and is rocking in fetal position)  
  
Lola (to George, while looking shiftily at Alanna): She really likes coffee huh? But we gotta shut her up or the 'it' will find us!  
  
Daine ( peeks into backroom)- Ha ha! I FOUND YOU!  
  
George- Your not 'it' Daine.  
  
Daine- Oh. *Sniffle* Can I hide with you guys?  
  
Draco (jumps into backroom) Trick or Treat! I WIN!  
  
Everyone- What?  
  
Lola- Anywho. If anyone's 'it' NOT TRICK OR TREAT! (Glares meaningfully at Draco) Its Shae.  
  
Scene Zooms out.  
  
Alanna- We're not done yet!  
  
Lola- Zoomy come back!  
  
Zoomy Thingy: too bad- (Zooms into closet)  
  
InvisA Narrator- Crimanal #5 stands in closet alone in the dark. Alone.  
  
Then she is joined by Zoomy Thingy and turns the light on.  
  
Criminal (gasps)- How come I haven't found these yet? (Gazes upon a stack or Dragon stuff; plushies, toys, pens, pillows, notebooks exc.) Oh yeah! They just took it from me today! Or was it this morning. heh.  
  
Zoomy Thingy- (Zooms back to the group of coffee addicts)  
  
Alanna- Coffee. Must . Have.  
  
Zoomy Thingy- IM BACK!  
  
Lola (starting to hallucinate) Coffee Maker? (shacks head) Oh ZOOMY! You're back!  
  
Zoomy thiny- I just said that.  
  
Lola- But do you have a coffee maker?  
  
Zoomy Thingy- No.  
  
Lola- WHAT KIND OF ZOOMY ARE YOU?!!!!!  
  
George- Shh! She'll find us!  
  
Zoomy Thingy- (Zooms to Shae)  
  
Shae- Hey guys! Guys? I found Leggy!  
  
Legolas- muffle muffle muffle  
  
Alanna/Narrator- In case you were wondering Legolas is bonded with duct tape!  
  
Lola- Hey! That's MY Duct Tape!!!!  
  
Jonathan- No. MINE.  
  
Lola (Hits Jon over the head with a frying pan): They don't have Duct Tape OR Duck Tape in Tortall!  
  
Jonathan- They don't have Coffee either!  
  
Daine- Shhhhh she's gonna find us!  
  
Lola- (Hits Jon again with grim grin)  
  
Shae- Find who? I found Leggy! (beams and nuzzles leggy)  
  
George ( whining, jumping up and down) - But I don't WANT to be 'it'!  
  
Shae- Were playing hide and go seek?  
  
George- Uh yea! YOUR IT!  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
End for now! But tune in next time for:  
  
Why Criminal is a Criminal and What ever happened to the earthworms?  
  
Dun dun daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! *Cough* 


End file.
